It took me a year to publish this one, but I got there in the end. Written in Feb 2016, published end of January 2017.
I don't know how this post is going to go, it is going to be difficult I think.
3 days in January, 3 days in which I watched my father in law die. Now that sounds pretty awful and I assure you it was - But there was a positive in it. The number one priority for any family is to try and honour the wishes of their loved one's at a time when they cannot fend for themselves. My father in law, Bob, wanted more than anything else to die a dignified and peaceful death AT HOME. He categorically did not want to go to hospital and die. My wife in particular would have moved heaven and earth to make that happen and she did have to put her foot down at one point, but generally the NHS system allowed Bob his wishes and put things in place to allow it to happen.
Bob had bowel cancer, and has had it for two and half years. He was given around 9 months when he was first diagnosed, and he did not want any treatment. He was adamant from the outset that he did not want treatment, he felt "it was his time". He was 88 years old when he died, so in his 85th year when diagnosed. The consultant did not understand Bob's wishes, he said his operations were successful 85% of the time. Bob's initial decision was quite hard to take, to choose for a disease to take him that could be treated. He was not so sure though, that the treatment would make him well again, and of course there were risks involved.
Actually having someone that was so absolutely sure how he wanted his life to go, did make it easier for us though. Bob had a "do not resuscitate" form filled out, his will was in order, he had made his wishes over wanting to be at home very clear, that he didn't want treatment very clear. Although all of those are quite hard to take as a family member, but it leaves you in no doubt about what you should do.
For the majority of the time he had the cancer Bob maintained a remarkably 'normal' life, he continued looking after himself and his home and garden, he continued driving. He absolutely refused to be beaten by the cancer, I've never known a mentally stronger man, a man who at the age of 85+ could easily have surrendered. But Bob was made of stronger stuff.
He eventually went on to a 'low fibre' diet. Because the cancer had begun to restrict his bowel, he needed the food to be less bulky, so he went on a specific diet that avoided food high in fibre. He became expert at reading food labels to avoid what would be bad for him. He spent a lot of time at this and it served him well. He went well beyond the 9 months the consultant gave him and in fact his GP suggested that even if he had the surgery then living two and a half years more would have been considered very good. This made Bob happy and felt his decision was warranted. But he did start to have a few funny episodes in the last couple of months, he recovered from them but they were indications that things were moving into a new phase.
Deb so wanted to have one last Christmas with him and in 2015 that is exactly what we got. We never really expected him to still be around, and I shall cherish this last Christmas day very much. I know Deb will too.
Then the story gets to its sad conclusion. Deb had been around to see Bob on Monday 25th January and Bob had recounted his tales of the weekend, spent cleaning and tidying as he normally did, on that Monday he had been cleaning windows! But he said he felt whacked and was in a bit of pain, so would take some painkillers and retire to bed early. Nothing seemingly out of the ordinary.
Now, bearing in mind Bob's fierce independence, he never asked for help, he never asked for anything. So at 04:30 on Tuesday morning when he rang and asked for us to come around, clearly things weren't good. We rushed around there and he was in a great deal of pain. We gave him some stronger painkillers, but they made no difference. So we called an ambulance, which did not please Bob one bit.....but the 111 service said don't worry, you don't have to go in the ambulance, but at least get checked out. Not surprisingly the two lovely ambulance ladies said they really wanted to take him to hospital, but he made his wishes abundantly clear. So instead they called his GP, who came around and prescribed morphine. Deb had a quiet word with him and he said he thought it was Bob's liver that was the issue, he could feel secondary cancers when he examined him.
After slowly increasing the liquid morphine, and this not really helping, the GP prescribed a morphine "syringe driver". This is a machine that delivers a steady dose of morphine. We knew this was a bad sign, as these machines seem only to arrive at the end of someone's life. There we were trying to plan for how we were going to get Bob looked after, and this was quite a blow. He was put on the syringe driver on Thursday afternoon, and he died at 5am on Friday 29th January. From start to finish it took only 3 short days for cancer to rear its ugly head and take Bob's life.
I spent a fair while with Bob in those last 3 days, Deb spent nearly every hour with him and got virtually no sleep for 3 days. The first day Bob was in bed, he was very chatty and we spoke for hours, I'll keep and treasure those memories forever. On the Wednesday he was desperate for a shower, so I helped him with that.....he put so much effort into that shower....thinking back it was like he knew it would be his last one. He wanted to be clean one last time and I was honoured to be the one who helped him with that task. It was the last time he was out of bed.
I refer to Bob in this piece as my "father in law". He only ever wanted to be called "Bob" rather than dad.....but in every way he behaved towards me as a dad, and I thought of him as a dad. He taught me so much, a debt I can't ever repay....but then he wouldn't expect me to, he gave so much and only really expected one thing in return....that I love and look after his daughter. Well he's got no fears on that one!
The funeral was yesterday, Tuesday 9th February. It was hard going. Deb and I had both written some words which we delivered at his service, Deb a eulogy and me a poem. I think we did him justice, I was really proud of Deb in particular....to stand up and speak in public is one thing but to do it at your dad's funeral is quite another. She stood there for 3 minutes or so and delivered what she had written, it made the service really special. I remember doing a poem at his wifes (Chris) funeral, I got through that one ok and I'll never forget Bob's reaction. As I returned to my seat, he stood up and looked me square in the eye and shook my hand. He's never really shaken my hand before, but that handshake was so firm and his gaze so direct, and he nodded his head ever so slightly. That was Bob giving his gratitude in a way I'd never experienced, again, I'll never forget it.
One of the the neighbours said to us after the service "don't take this the wrong way, but that is the nicest funeral we've ever been to". I shall remember that, because that is exactly what I would have hoped for.
I worry a bit about Deb though. She has been so strong thus far and has launched herself into the organising of things and not given herself time to crash. Maybe she will or maybe she won't 'crash', we'll see. I will be there if she does and equally I know she'll be there if I do.
All in all, it has been a pretty tough couple of weeks and I can't really believe or take in what has happened. One thing is for sure, if I handle myself towards the end of my life in the same way Bob did, then I won't have done a bad job. There aren't many braver, tougher men out there than Bob Jarvis. I salute you.
Footnote.....
A word also for the NHS workers. We saw a district nurse and an overnight carer who attended for Bob's final night. These people you only see fleeting glimpses of in your life, the overnight carer was wonderful. Her whole job was palliative care, she only really cared for the dying and she did it well, so very well. She introduced herself and immediately put you at ease, at a time when you didn't know whether you were coming or going. The district nurse gave the care she needed to give and reassured. These people probably both knew the end was nigh for Bob, but nevertheless gave that reassurance, they became that rock for us to lean on....safe in the knowledge that although we didn't know what was going on, that someone else did. I can't imagine doing a job like that, but I am eternally grateful that there are those that do want to do that job.
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